We are all different. Some people like heavy metal, some people like rap, some people don’t like anything. Some people are positive, some people are negative, and some people just want to watch the world burn. No matter what type of person you are, there are a few blueprints that we all share. These are the things that we have in common and they are formed early on in childhood. They have an impact on all our future relationships – they are called attachment styles. Let’s dig in.
Anxious Attachment Styles
Does your partner have a constant fear that you will leave him/her and do they have a fear of rejection? Are they jealous and barf their feelings onto you all the time? If yes, then you can be sure that they are an anxious attachment style. This type of partner will drain every ounce of energy from you. You will need to give them attention and reassurance constantly, or they will think that you don’t love them anymore.
Most of the time in that relationship, you will be like a babysitter. This relationship attachment also hates being single. People who are anxious attachment styles always crave relationships. They will have trouble trusting their partners – a lot. because they find it hard to believe that the other person loves them. This always stems from childhood problems – their parents gave them attention on and off. Sometimes they were loving, sometimes they ignored their child’s feelings.
With them, be extra careful. They will need attention and constant reassurance. You will need a lot of patience.
Avoidant Attachment Styles
These types are exactly the opposite of the one above. They love being by themselves more and they have trouble expressing their feelings. Sometimes they will be warm, sometimes they will be cold. They usually feel awkward holding your hand or anything similar that involves closeness. These people feel repulsed when someone expresses their feelings for them. They don’t like closeness – it makes them feel weird. If you try to get too close to them, they will start to feel suffocated and pull back. They need their freedom in a relationship. Their caregivers were usually very distant and insensitive to their needs. The so-called “lone wolf.”
You won’t need to give them too much attention. With a partner like this, you might feel like you don’t have a partner at all sometimes. The key is to give them time and let them come to you, otherwise, they might feel like you’re pressuring them. I’ve seen people and dated girls who were like this and they can go days without talking to you. Then they return and for them, it is normal and everything is the same. People who are this type and people who are anxious type are usually drawn towards each other. Their relationships are full of passion in the beginning. But, after some time and once the anxious type starts suffocating them with their love, the avoidant type runs away.
Secure Attachment Styles
The absolute best. These people have very high confidence. They are comfortable telling their feelings and they are comfortable with closeness. They love being with their partner, but they also love being by themselves, hence the name – secure. Great partners and great people to have as friends. They always have clear boundaries and will respect yours as well. These types cooperate very well with everyone and they don’t have many red flags. They give anxious types enough love but they can also give the avoidant types enough time alone. Once they break it off with a person, they never talk bad about them. People who are a secure type always say the same thing about their exes:
“It just didn’t work out. I wish him/her the best.”
Fearful – Avoidant Attachment Styles
This is a bonus one, very rare; usually found in people with a lot of emotional problems and people who are adopted. Out of all attachment styles, this is the worst one. They dislike closeness but also don’t like it when people pull away from them. They are a mix of anxious and avoidant styles. Also, they can’t control their feelings and will often lash out at someone. You can usually expect an emotional breakdown from that type also. This is the type of partner that will start yelling at you for no reason.
They will throw you out, be mad, and then call you 20 minutes later telling you how much they love you and that they didn’t mean it. They have fears of abandonment but they also hate being intimate. As adults, they have very dramatic relationships with others that often don’t end well. My suggestion is to avoid this type because you can never win – they need to seek professional help.
For those of you who are secured – bravo! Your parents did an amazing job. For those of you who are not, don’t sweat. You can change your style and become secure, but it will take time and effort from you. Go to a therapist, look up trauma release techniques, it will be well worth it, trust me. Also, no one is only one of these. Usually, people are a mix. Even if you are a secure type, you still might display some anxious habits too. We are not perfect, but that’s exactly what makes us special.