Following a breakup you become confused. You’re feeling a bunch of emotions at the same time; none of them pleasant. At one moment you’re feeling amazing, and a few minutes after that you’re depressed. All you can think about is how to re-attract your ex. A few questions always linger on your mind if you’re following no contact: “I’m not talking to my ex, but how is that helping me? Won’t they forget me that way? How does that help their attraction?” Physical attraction is important, but not that much.
No contact does a lot of work for you already, so you don’t need to try too hard to re-attract a person. The short answer is:
“Enjoy your life.”
That’s it. That’s my advice. Thanks for reading!
Okay, it’s a little bit broader than that. When you break up with a person, your first instinct is to do everything for them; to get them gifts and chase them. Hollywood movies told us that, so it must be true. “Ryan Gosling did it, why couldn’t I?” Well, it’s wrong. Chasing someone and stalking them does not work in real life, unfortunately. And it’s also pretty cringy as a movie story, but hey, people love romantic movies.
I chased a girl when I was younger for almost 6 months. I had no idea what triggers attraction nor did I have any of the attractive traits. She disrespected me more and more and she didn’t value me at all. She also thought of me as an idiot, which, to be fair, I was back then when it came to seduction and attraction. Granted, she was manipulative, and now that I look back, definitely not wife material.
People want what they can’t have. I learned that while I was trying to attract her. There was a video from RSD Tyler back in the day that I always remember. I don’t remember the name of it, but he talked about how being needy and chasing girls never worked. He said you should be a mystery and remove your attention.
“Why should I trust him? That doesn’t make any sense. It sounds counterintuitive” – I thought. I couldn’t wrap my mind over the idea that you can get attraction by not talking to someone and being cold.
But, what I was doing so far didn’t work, so I decided to believe him and to remove my attention and stop chasing her. It was the last option that was remaining.
And that proved to be a very powerful option. After your partner breaks up with you, or that person that you are trying to seduce doesn’t want you back – remove your attention. Don’t become butthurt or mad, simply remove yourself. Move on with your life, focus on yourself and other people that do want to be with you. You can be sure that they will start to wonder at some point.
They are used to you being always there. They are also used to their partners begging them to come back all the time. Be the one that says: “I respect your decision but don’t agree with it. If you change your mind, give me a call.”
Believe me, a wonderful little thing called an “ego” will kick right in. They will definitely view you in a different light.
Right now, the validation that you’re giving them is like a drug. Once you remove that drug, withdrawals will happen like with everything that’s addictive.
I was the one that messaged her 90% of the time. Scratch that, I messaged her all the time, she never initiated contact – not even once. But then I decided; instead of messaging her, I’m gonna go on a Skype call with my friends. That day, a message from me didn’t come.
That was strange because she was used to me messaging her every day. I messaged her every day for six months, imagine how much validation she got from that. It was like she had a little puppy waiting for any attention he could get. I also decided to enjoy myself. I started posting pictures with other girls and having a good time while partying. Trying out new things was my goal then so I had a lot of hobbies. She saw me having a good time without her, and I even started going to the gym.
Now a week has passed since I last messaged her. Imagine that. A week before, I was chasing hard and initiating contact. I was giving her every drip of the validation, and now she sees this? Of course, a few days after that, she initiated contact for the first time.
Holy shit! It worked! I was beginning to re-attract her. But it was no time to be relaxed. Right now, it’s time to show her that I’m biased and indifferent. In the seduction world, the correct term is; “hot guy blase.”
After talking to her for a while, it felt different. I didn’t ask her how her day was, what she was doing, I didn’t give her compliments, etc., I was in my own world and she was the one that was asking questions. The dynamics were starting to change. She also asked; “Where have you been? You stopped messaging me :(.”
Nice. I was doing good. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.
So, I changed my tactics even more. Instead of being a nice guy that I always was, I started being more and more flirty – I became a bit more “dangerous.” Those were also my pickup beginnings.
In my “no contact” blog I talked a bit about what made me started going out. This was also right after that, so I was a bit more relaxed with girls from the constant approaching. I started pushing her away instead of always giving her compliments. A good ol’ classic push-pull which I also read about a lot and started using in real life too – it was fascinating to me. And like a fish in the sea, she started biting more and more. It reached a boiling point and we “did the deed” at my friend’s party not too long after that.
Your Ex and Your Attraction
After he or she breaks up with you, you leave and never look back. This works great because the other person does not expect it. You have proven to them that you don’t need them to live your life and be happy. Or in other words, you’re not needy, and you are on your own path – all attractive and high-quality traits. They expected you to beg, plead and cry like every single ex they ever had. You did nothing, or you did when you two broke up, but after that, you went no contact and stuck with it.
Mix that up with posting cool stuff on your social media and you’re golden. You’re out having fun, doing new hobbies and their mind will start to have its doubts. You were too available when they broke up with you, now you stop being available and become a mystery. And being a mystery is the best for attraction.
They fell in love with you for your personality, the person you were when they met you. They liked that person. The relationship began and you started changing after some time. You were not that person anymore so they lost attraction. Let’s say you were a guy who had a lot of hobbies. Your girlfriend liked you because you were so passionate about stuff. Continue doing what you love even when you’re in the relationship.
If you do stop, and you only start hanging out with your girlfriend, well, she is going to lose that attraction.
When they break up with you they hold the power; a lot of power, so you go no contact to shift the dynamic and re-attract them. You start recuperating, returning to your old self and you become even better. Go join a gym, start doing something new. A few months down the line somewhere on social media or even out in public he or she will see the old/new you.
In this example, I used a guy so I’ll continue writing from a guy’s point of view. You’ve learned some new stuff and became a high-value guy. You got a promotion, you buffed yourself up and you worked on your confidence. She sees this and her mind begins to wander – and it will don’t worry. You’re looking better and better and happier than ever. Her attraction for you is a bit higher by this point. And you never know, maybe she is not feeling so well herself. It’s possible that she had a couple of breakups or she couldn’t find anyone she wanted to be with since you broke up. That will definitely help you.
“Luke (that’s your name in this scenario) looks good, how is he doing?”
Then she does a little stalking on Instagram. She decides to test the waters a little bit, or as I like to say: Take a cold shower before jumping into the pool.
This is where two things will happen.
She will message you about something stupid or as it is called; indirect message. She might ask:
“Hey! What’s the name of that coffee place we once went to?” Sure, after five months, you get an incredible thirst for coffee? Trust me, if she didn’t want to talk to you, she wouldn’t care about that coffee place. She would steer clear from you. But, she is becoming a bit intrigued.
Or another indirect message, asking you about a perfume that you once wore. I have heard everything, and those indirect messages can be really dumb sometimes. I’ve also had a lot of my exes comment on my Instagram stories a few months after a breakup. It is a person’s way of saying hi, testing to see where you are at without seeming too direct. Remember; they are still treading very, very carefully. What if you haven’t actually changed and you remained the same person they broke up with? That would suck.
Or in the second scenario; they will be more open, saying “Hi, how have you been?” and rarely, but it does happen and it happened to me a few times, a flat out: “I miss you and I want you back.”
That usually happens with insecure and anxious people who crave attention.
BAM! The power is back in your hands. Your reaction? To immediately vomit your feelings for them telling them how much you missed them. Is that your final answer? Well, it’s wrong; I’m sorry to say, but you lost that person once again!
You should act cool, casual, and be positive, also a bit flirty of course. Tease them, push them away a bit (guys – look up the concept of push-pull and disqualification, it will help you a lot). Act as if you are the prize and they have to earn you.
If the conversation is going great, you pull the trigger and ask them to meet up. A casual coffee, no big deal. That’s it. You’re on your way to getting back with your ex. If they don’t want to – hey, no hard feelings. You tell them to contact you when they change their mind and that it has been nice hearing from them.
Or the other thing is that you might even see your ex out or bump into them somewhere a few months down the road. That’s even better. You can show even more how much you have changed and it’s easier to get attraction in real life. They see you somewhere out having fun, looking good and then they get curious.
Just never, EVER, break no contact. That could hit you in your head and you might lose that person forever. It has to be their idea. There is so much power in their hands, it has to even out a little bit. Guilt doesn’t work. If you guilt them back into the relationship again, the person will only end up hating you even more. They will break up with you again after some time. They have to contact you first, that’s it.
Still not sure what to do? Head over to “dating coaching” and book an inexpensive call with me. Click on the link: https://flirtivate.com/product/dating-coaching/